Today was the day of the Quake. I felt it in my bones. I sensed it ahead of time... like a dog.
I want to get in the car. It only happened an hour from where I sit.
I want to stand at the epicenter:
I want to throw bottles of top shelf liquor into it.
I want to run across it.
I want want to yell at it, "Not today tectonic"
I want to put on my party pants and eat nachos next to it.
I want to sip a cool beverage chilled with frozen grapes and laugh at it.
I want to burn a shake weight in effigy above it.
I want to kiss a nurse near it.
I want to read a book entitled, "The Time I Read a Book Next To The Epicenter" by it.
I want to build some stilts and look at it from ten feet high.
I want to get a silver spoon and taste it.
I want to make a mud pit and wade through it.
I want to buy a dog that was born near it.
I want to give away all of my possessions to the person nearest it.
It is a day of quakspiration.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Monday, August 22, 2011
Amusement Park: Trotter Walking
There is a universal set of Amusement Park Laws that I think you'll find are undeniable.
When visiting an amusement park of any kind there are several laws at play. One of the laws: Trotter Walking.
Trotter Walking occurs in adults only - children are supposed to be trotting in this environment. Typically you'll find trotter walking happening early in the day. Typically it will happen close to a ride of some sort. (Usually you won't find adults trotter walking to go to the foot stands or souvenir shops because of the compounding financial sadness that is associated with them).
This is how you identify trotter walking. There is a noticeable acceleration. The trotter walkers gait improves. The trotter walkers foot speed increases. The trotter walker is physically gitty. You've seen it. I've done it. It is the amusement park phenonmenon that the closer one gets to a ride the faster one walks. In fact by the time you reach the line you've broken into a light jog. If you have the good fortune of approaching a ride with little or no line the overwhelming excitement may result a full-on turnstile jumping, chain dodging, miscreant producing sort of foot race that will only be satisfied by the 60mph thrill ride that awaits.
Next time you're at one of the many multimillion dollar parks designed purely for our amusement ... be on the look out for the trotter walkers. They come in all shapes and sizes... and they might be you.
When visiting an amusement park of any kind there are several laws at play. One of the laws: Trotter Walking.
Trotter Walking occurs in adults only - children are supposed to be trotting in this environment. Typically you'll find trotter walking happening early in the day. Typically it will happen close to a ride of some sort. (Usually you won't find adults trotter walking to go to the foot stands or souvenir shops because of the compounding financial sadness that is associated with them).
This is how you identify trotter walking. There is a noticeable acceleration. The trotter walkers gait improves. The trotter walkers foot speed increases. The trotter walker is physically gitty. You've seen it. I've done it. It is the amusement park phenonmenon that the closer one gets to a ride the faster one walks. In fact by the time you reach the line you've broken into a light jog. If you have the good fortune of approaching a ride with little or no line the overwhelming excitement may result a full-on turnstile jumping, chain dodging, miscreant producing sort of foot race that will only be satisfied by the 60mph thrill ride that awaits.
Next time you're at one of the many multimillion dollar parks designed purely for our amusement ... be on the look out for the trotter walkers. They come in all shapes and sizes... and they might be you.
Friday, August 12, 2011
95% Worthless
Cell phone use is on the rise. People are texting. They're IMing. Thy're on the web. They're calling one another. They're disconnecting the land lines and going all wireless all-the-time.
And 95% of what they're doing on those phones is meaningless.
This is what happens 95% of the time on a cell phone - on calls, texts, etc.
"Hey - What are you doing"
"Nothing"
"What are you doing"
"Nothing"
"Cool"
"Yeah"
"I'm hungry"
(long pause)
"Hugh"
"What are you doing"
"Nothing"
This is what we're doing with our time folks. While the stock market gyrates and the politicians listen to each other talk about how political they are we - humanity - are talking about nothing.
I know this because of Charles Ingalls. Charles Ingalls lived on the prairie. Charles Ingalls lived off of the land. Charles Ingalls made furniture with his bare hands from wood that he harvested from trees that he may or may not have planted... with his hands. And you know what... he didn't have a cell phone.
You know what he did to relax? He smoked his pipe and worked. He didn't go back to the cabin and say to Ma, "Hey Ma... what are you doing?" And she didn't say, "Well gosh Pa... nothing" (because she was churning the butter AND working the loom). He finished working his 16 hour day, then he prayed, then he ate supper, and then - to relax - he went out to the freezing cold barn and made a hand carved cradle for his unborn child.
Here is the point. Charlie wasn't missing much on Twitter or Facebook or anything else. He had a full life surrounded by a loving family and meaningful work. We can all learn something here.
So the next time you raise the electronic leash to you ear or face remember the 95% of what is about to happen - is worthless.
And 95% of what they're doing on those phones is meaningless.
This is what happens 95% of the time on a cell phone - on calls, texts, etc.
"Hey - What are you doing"
"Nothing"
"What are you doing"
"Nothing"
"Cool"
"Yeah"
"I'm hungry"
(long pause)
"Hugh"
"What are you doing"
"Nothing"
This is what we're doing with our time folks. While the stock market gyrates and the politicians listen to each other talk about how political they are we - humanity - are talking about nothing.
I know this because of Charles Ingalls. Charles Ingalls lived on the prairie. Charles Ingalls lived off of the land. Charles Ingalls made furniture with his bare hands from wood that he harvested from trees that he may or may not have planted... with his hands. And you know what... he didn't have a cell phone.
You know what he did to relax? He smoked his pipe and worked. He didn't go back to the cabin and say to Ma, "Hey Ma... what are you doing?" And she didn't say, "Well gosh Pa... nothing" (because she was churning the butter AND working the loom). He finished working his 16 hour day, then he prayed, then he ate supper, and then - to relax - he went out to the freezing cold barn and made a hand carved cradle for his unborn child.
Here is the point. Charlie wasn't missing much on Twitter or Facebook or anything else. He had a full life surrounded by a loving family and meaningful work. We can all learn something here.
So the next time you raise the electronic leash to you ear or face remember the 95% of what is about to happen - is worthless.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
America Anesthetized
We live in a world of familiarity. We are walking around with little fanny packs full of sanitizer and propelling ourselves through life with
each
small
squirt.
Look at the cars we drive... most of the colors are the same. There are about 6 colors of cars on the road these days and when you do run across someone driving a yellow car you think, "I hate yellow" or "they must be compensating for something" or "I have terrible thoughts about other people all the time - forgive me Lord".
Look at the places we eat. When was the last time you didn't eat at a chain? Or the hotels we stay in, "but I like to know what I'm going to get" we say or "I don't like to find roaches in my bed" or something boring like that. How many of you have some neon in your wardrobe? If you don't have a neon halter top that you wear out to parties you have officially surrendered your sense of adventure and passion - and that includes guys too. Furthermore if you haven't been to a party lately it goes without saying that you've been waving the white flag. Or if you have been to a party but no one got into a fight or was stabbed it doesn't count - you are the captain of the SS MISSAdventure and you may as well scuttle the ship.
Listen I'm no different - but I'd like to be. I'd like to walk through the grocery store and take a huge bite of a raw onion and throw it across the isles, I'd like to grab a still smoldering cigarette off the street and take a deep drag because I still subconciously think that it will help me to be more like a cowboy. I'd like to throw an entire bottle of laundry detergent into the pool, I'd like wrestle a badger, I'd like to make cream puffs for breakfast, I'd like to burn my couch in the front yard.
Do something unfamiliar today. Not only should you avoid all chain stores of any kind but you should go to some trendy independent record store/restaurant/massage parlor and when you get there don't sit down or even ask to be seated. Just walk into the kitchen and start singing any Bon Jovi song you want and eat from the line chefs ingredient buckets and make life long friends with the staff and later the police.
Then when you get to make your one phone call - call me - I'll come to pick you up in my day glow halter.
each
small
squirt.
Look at the cars we drive... most of the colors are the same. There are about 6 colors of cars on the road these days and when you do run across someone driving a yellow car you think, "I hate yellow" or "they must be compensating for something" or "I have terrible thoughts about other people all the time - forgive me Lord".
Look at the places we eat. When was the last time you didn't eat at a chain? Or the hotels we stay in, "but I like to know what I'm going to get" we say or "I don't like to find roaches in my bed" or something boring like that. How many of you have some neon in your wardrobe? If you don't have a neon halter top that you wear out to parties you have officially surrendered your sense of adventure and passion - and that includes guys too. Furthermore if you haven't been to a party lately it goes without saying that you've been waving the white flag. Or if you have been to a party but no one got into a fight or was stabbed it doesn't count - you are the captain of the SS MISSAdventure and you may as well scuttle the ship.
Listen I'm no different - but I'd like to be. I'd like to walk through the grocery store and take a huge bite of a raw onion and throw it across the isles, I'd like to grab a still smoldering cigarette off the street and take a deep drag because I still subconciously think that it will help me to be more like a cowboy. I'd like to throw an entire bottle of laundry detergent into the pool, I'd like wrestle a badger, I'd like to make cream puffs for breakfast, I'd like to burn my couch in the front yard.
Do something unfamiliar today. Not only should you avoid all chain stores of any kind but you should go to some trendy independent record store/restaurant/massage parlor and when you get there don't sit down or even ask to be seated. Just walk into the kitchen and start singing any Bon Jovi song you want and eat from the line chefs ingredient buckets and make life long friends with the staff and later the police.
Then when you get to make your one phone call - call me - I'll come to pick you up in my day glow halter.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
X-ray
How can I hide. You see so much. I'm laid bare before you. Literally... I'm only wearing an airy gown. Which I enjoy and hate at the same time. You see things like no other. Like no other.
I used to want to wear your glasses. I suspect that if that were possible that it would be illegal... unless I worked for the TSA... in which case it would be part of my job description. I think this would be amazing and awful simultaneously.
But of course you don't sell glasses. You hide out in doctor's offices, and hospitals. I sometimes run my microwave on high to pretend I'm close to you... but that technology is totally different - I think.
You've been around since 1875. Your much older then I. For some reason people think we are the same age... which is depressing. And which is mathematically impossible.
I wonder if you can see past the bone and sinew... to the the packs of gum, the crank calls, the fast food. The fast food. The chips and dip. The jerky.
Until we meet again old friend. I with my lead apron... and you with your impersonal buzzing.
I used to want to wear your glasses. I suspect that if that were possible that it would be illegal... unless I worked for the TSA... in which case it would be part of my job description. I think this would be amazing and awful simultaneously.
But of course you don't sell glasses. You hide out in doctor's offices, and hospitals. I sometimes run my microwave on high to pretend I'm close to you... but that technology is totally different - I think.
You've been around since 1875. Your much older then I. For some reason people think we are the same age... which is depressing. And which is mathematically impossible.
I wonder if you can see past the bone and sinew... to the the packs of gum, the crank calls, the fast food. The fast food. The chips and dip. The jerky.
Until we meet again old friend. I with my lead apron... and you with your impersonal buzzing.
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