Minivan Malaise

Do you ever wonder how you got where you are?

One day your singing along with Tears for Fears and before you know its 25 years later and you're shoveling manure... literally shoveling manure... and not for fun.

Its like being separated six degrees from yourself. There is a very clear connection but the lines between the various iterations of yourself are mysterious and confusing.

Let me explain.

I had a very brief, like a week or two kind of brief, period of time when I wanted to be a smoke jumper. For those of you unfamiliar with smoke jumping, it is the vocation where one boards an airplane, places a parachute on ones back, straps 100 pounds of gear onto ones self, and then jumps from said airplane into a forest fire. These brave humans provide the important and necessary service of building fire lines and back-burning in the attempt to keep fires under control in the remote areas of the west. To me smoke jumping is pure adventure.

Oh adventure - where did you go? What have you done with yourself?

The point is that at one time, not so terribly long ago, I wanted to jump out of an airplane into the woods to fight fire. And now, sitting in my drive way, are two Minivans.

The shame of it.

Technically we own two minivans. It is a real tragedy. For some the minivan is the representation of pure banality. It is where adventure, and passion, and substance go to die. It is where poetry is silenced. It is where the warrior whimpers. Where doves cry.

"Everything that you have ever loved no longer matters", it says to you from its sliding doors.
Its 20 cup holders scald, "Your life is a charade and your work is meaningless"
"Exercise can be replaced with hot coffee", it says to you.
"In a pinch you can use me as a hearse", it teases.
"You'll never be carded again", it chortles from its hide-a-way seats

If you listen to your minivan it will poison you. It will try to convince you of its lies. Even though it is unarguably the most practical choice, with the best gas mileage and flexibility and utility, it will also try to convince you that just outside its doors, lying is wait, is the grave.

But the poison and practicality are illusion. We must press on. We must ask again:
Adventure - where did you go? What have you done with yourself?

And Adventure will reply:
"I'm am here under your nose.
I have woven myself into the velour of this vehicle.
Load up your family and drive to Florida, stopping for colas and candies on the way.
You see that real adventure is within, and that is why I've given you this van.
It is in your heart where I will do my best work.
In your heart... and then your mind"

Aristocratic Blood

My sweet wife recently told me that she found polishing the silver to be rather relaxing... that it reminded her of her youth. I pointed out that it wasn't the memories of youth but rather the aristocratic blood pulsing through her veins that was the root.

It's too bad that I tricked her into marrying me because I am very far from an aristocrat falling closer to the vagrant caste or perhaps the hunter/gatherer/nomadic castes.

I should clarify here that she is a quite friendly and kind and generous Brahminesque nomadically inclined closeted aristocrat... but an aristocrat never the less.

And here is why I know such unsearchable things.

We've recently received some silverware. A set of silver. Knives, forks, spoons, made of silver. Whatever you call that grouping of items that is made of silver and must be polished and must never be used by humans and must be handled with felt gloves and has a special mahogany box built by fairly paid artisans that drink organic whole milk.

So we have in our possession this collection of fineness. These are items handed down by Grandma so that we might hand them down to our grandchildren and so on.

She finds polishing the silver a kind of restful activity. She achieves the sort of mellow calmness that others find during meditation or prayer. Now you may try to argue that polishing the silver is not the activity of the aristocracy but I disagree. It isn't the action but the handling that is the key. It is the weight and smell and texture that are the thing.

She stands a bit taller.
She becomes more punctual.
She sips tea with more eloquence.
She exudes authority.
She is irresistibly sophisticated.

And all from just a little silver.

A La Carte Orthodontics?

"Thanks for coming in today"

"It is our pleasure Doc... you've got a very nice office here"

"Well I've been in practice for 20 years and things have gone well over that time so thank you for that fine complement"

"You're welcome... we're looking forward to hearing from you about our daughters potential soiree into orthodontia and what the options are for her."

"Well we've got some fine results here from our complimentary screening that occurred last month where we took molds, x-rays, and did a through credit check"

"Great what did you come up with"

"Well her #6 cannine has got an oblique orientation and #19/#20 are doing what I like to call the the lower-left molar shuffle...ha....... so..... you see we're going to have to intercept."

"Ok... what does all that mean?"

"The good news is that for the most part she is in great shape and only needs a minor amount of work in Phase I in order to end up with a beautiful smile"

"Oh heavens that is wonderful news... we were concerned with my history of tooth filing and my wife's preoccupation with tooth spacing that we'd have to be very aggressive."

"That certainly won't be necessary at this point... please put your mind at ease... you have a beautiful daughter, she is going to have a wonderful smile for all the school pictures and staged web photos... this is going to work out very well."

"I have to tell you this is better news that we had expected, what is the next step"

"The next step is to bring her in for her Phase I work-up and I would say in a few months we can adjust the a fore mentioned mounds of enamel encased treasure chests...."

"Hugh?"

"Oh I mean adjust HER TEETH and we'll have her done with her Phase I's in no time."

"Well ok that seems like a reasonable course. What does Phase I cost?"

"We can do everything for Phase I for 3000."

"Wow... 3K... that is a lot"

"Well when your talking about your face most people aren't looking for a great deal"

"I suppose so. Are there other Phases that we need to be aware of?"

"Sometimes our patients only need Phase I work but for the 99.7% that require additional Phasing we typically go to four full Phases"

"Four Phases?"

"Yes that is the most common scenario that we encounter here. Each phase is 3000 so at the end of the day you're talking about 12000 give or take"

"12,000 dollars!?!?"

"Euros"

"I thought you said she just needed a little tweaking and she would be fine! That she would have a beatiful smile! Have you ever been to Europe? They would never imagine what you're suggesting and the're basically attractive. Why would I pay 18 grand for my kids teeth when she just needs a little adjustment? Isn't there some sort of A La Carte pricing for kids that don't need all the work?"

"No there isn't"

"If I took my car in for an oil change I don't pay the same as if I needed a new engine right?"

"That isn't a very good example because your car isn't the face that you have to represent yourself to the world for all of your days is it?"

"Listen I don't understand how I pay the same amount for my kid as the guy that has been drinking Coke for twenty years through a straw and his teeth are mush and he needs titanium screws drilled into his head that are coated with a propitiatory alloy mined in space. I just don't get it."

"Well folks it has been a real pleasure meeting with you today... I've got to run... I've got a tee time shortly on the island that I own just off the coast of Honduras and the jet is standing by. Please let me know how you like to proceed"

"So that's it? We pay you or no happy face?"

"That's pretty much it"