Two Wheeled Humility

Weakly Adventure.

Fuzzy is an avid mountian biker and part-time torturer. His tool of choice - the rocky trails and hills of Virginia. Fuzzy is my friend... or so I thought.

We met up at the TOP of the mountian ready to go for what I thought would be a pleasant jaunt through the canopy. I could here Thoreau in my head - fresh mountian laurel swirled in my nostrils - The Indigo Girls sang sweetly in the background.

I haven't been on a bicycle of any kind for at least two years. There was a time in my life that I rode bicycles with vigor... but that time is long past. Long past.

I do happen to have some special sort of mountian biking shoes that have a sort of clip on them that attaches to the bike so that one might attain optimal pedal purchase. As it turns out these clips are part of Fuzzy's diabolical torture regiment. Very clever indeed.

The riding began. I fell off the bike within the first 5 seconds. I knew that things were not as they seemed. You see many of the trails in the beautiful Shenandoah Valley are rocky. They are covered with rocks. There are spring-loaded rock cannons that are set to fire upon all unwitting Thoreau reciting softies. And they fired at will.

I cannot recall the last time I had so much difficulty with anything. I was on and off the bike so many times that I lost count. I had to push the bike through many sections. I fell off the bike many times. Many times the bike feel on top of me while I was falling off of it. I wept openly twice. Thankfully Fuzzy was so far ahead we couldn't hear the sobbing. When I realized what was happening... there was no turning back. Only more. Only more of the sweaty sadness.

I only went over the handlebars once during the down hill portion of the ride. Again the bike landing on top of me. The downhill was a simple affair. All we had to do was navigate a one foot wide dry creek bed full of rocks at a forty-five degree angle for two miles while our muscles started to cramp. Did I mention that I didn't have any water.

And at last the only thing that lay before us was the ride back to the top of the mountian. Thankfully this was on a series of gravel roads. Unthankfully I could barely move. Imagine a staircase where all the steps are 10 feet high. Imagine that the only way for you to get up the staircase to to throw your bike up the 10 feet and then crawl, and scratch, and bite your way to the top without hand holds, or rungs, or hope. Just you and a jelly covered melamine wall with a looping laugh track.

Next week we're going to try and achieve unassisted bicycle flight.

Electronic Infidelity

Deal thundertoucher.blogspot.com,

I have been unfaithful to you.
I have been doing things that you may find quite upsetting.
I have been less than faithful.

I don't write as much as I'd like.
I don't write as much as I could.
I have so many ideas that I keep to myself.
I have been less then I could and should be.

And so now I lay my infidelity bare before you.
I have been flirting with other blogs.
I have been considering writing to them as well.

www.maccaronisandwiches.blogspot.com
www.mustaches.blogspot.com
www.marthastewartlookalikes.blogspot.com
www.cardtricks.blogspot.com
www.theperfectsausagepatty.blogspot.com
www.internetdatingsecrectssunleashed.blogspot.com
www.ethernet.blogspot.com
www.couchexerciseexplosion.blogspot.com
www.divasnameddavid.blogspot.com
www.moutianbikingforfools.blogspot.com
www.spatula.blogspot.com

Forgive me thundertoucher.
I will never stray again... for obvious reasons.

Amusement Park: Lazy Thumb

There is a universal set of Amusement Park Laws that I think you'll find are undeniable.

When visiting an amusement park of any kind there are several laws at play. One of the laws: Lazy Thumb.

All dangerous rides at amusement parks have a rather sophisticated safety system in place to protect the passengers. Many rides are staffed by a crack team of well-trained, clean, and courteous gurus who are obsessed with providing the riders with a thrilling experience. I have a lot of respect for these workers. Their quest for excellence. Their ability to consistently stand upon the safety pedal that others might live.

But these workers have a problem and today I bring it to the fore. Today I speak out for those who cannot type as I can - deca-digitally.

It is because they suffer from the horrible amusement park operator injury known as lazy thumb. Once the riders have been securely harnessed into their particular ride, the operators will give each other a "thumbs up" to indicate that all is well. "Today we will ride in safety", they say. This ride is going to be the best ride of the day... so far.

But they cannot. They can only meakly hold their palms to the heavens but with very little thumb extension. They can no longer confidently and with joy-filled aggression thrust their lateral-most digit upward. Their hands lay flat. Their thumb lazily close to the rest of the hand.

What would Arthur Herbert Fonzarelli say?
What would he say?

Remember these thumbs today my friends. Your amusement comes at a high price... the price of the thumb.


VS.